An Id You Can Dance To

Let me give you some advice: when a woman says she loves a certain song - PAY ATTENTION!

I don’t know you. I don’t know your life in any respect. Hell, I don’t even claim to know about women. I’m also not a therapist but there’s probably a lot one could say about this. But what I do know is that music speaks louder and more truthfully than most realize.

Every woman I’ve met (every person, for that matter) has not only a favorite song but also one they feel epitomizes them to a catchy beat. It’s an id you can dance to. Music is great when it helps you forget; chases away your troubles. Maybe even cloud your mind as to the true meaning of the song to the point where you misconstrue the words to the detriment of your psyche. You can try to deny it all you want but I’m not wrong.

You want receipts? Great. Thought you’d never ask. Here are a few examples from my past. Yes, this is far from scientific. And yes, the sample size is lacking. But I’m just one average guy, a little dorky, who has never been a home run hitter in the lady department so why don’t you just back off, dammit?!

Sorry. I’m better now. Away we go.

She Talks To Angels - The Black Crowes

I start here because this was often referred to as a favorite when it came out and is still pointed to by girls who randomly come across it on 90s Spotify playlists.

First of all it’s a damn fine song. Catch hooks, great tempo, the perfect length to get lost in. It’s sung to perfect early 90s pop/rock perfection. We agree: it’s a great song.

But.

The lyrics, ladies. The lyrics. Please open your internet browser of choice, click on over to Google, and search up the lyrics. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Welcome back.

See what I mean? The subject of the song doesn’t exactly talk to angels because she fell from heaven herself. I’ve always wondered how the first four lines didn’t raise a bunch of red flags:

She never mentions the word addiction / in certain company // Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan / after you meet her family

She we have a pathological liar with a chemical dependency. Great start. Later we learn:

She don’t know no lover / none that I ever seen ... There’s a smile when the pain comes / pain’s gonna make everything alright 

I’m willing to read that first part as she’s a virgin, whether in reality or in that “born again” way, my money resting confidently on the latter. But that second part is clear self harm.

So please ladies - unless you’re a sociopath with delusions, a penchant for cutting and lying, please find a different song.

(In the spirit of full disclosure I once played this song for a girl in lieu of actually breaking up with her. I was an ass. Kristy, it’s been twenty years but I’m really sorry for being such a douche.)

I Want To Save You - Something Corporate

On the surface it’s a really touching song. It’s poppy, approachable. The singer wants nothing more than to swoop in and save the day. It’s actually one of my favorite songs ever. But I’m a guy.

Let’s be blunt: the girl in the song is lost and broken. She’s afraid. She fragile. She may even be in an abusive relationship (depending on how you listen to the song). She deserves better, that’s for sure. She is in need of someone to swoop in, it’s not just something she wants.

But at some point in every life one must make their own way and call their own shots. The girl in the song will have to do it eventually too. This song is perfectly acceptable in high school, or even into your early 20s. But when you’re pushing thirty and still playing this song as a way to justify your own self-imposed prison of a life...

Press the “next track” button, move on, and grow up.

Pretty Girl - Sugarcult

I think it’s only fair that I preface this by admitting this was my personal MySpace profile song back in the day. (I was going to say “back when that was acceptable” but I’m not sure it ever really was.)

Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything / pretty soon she’ll figure out what his intentions were about

So far, so good. She fell for a louse and she’s about to learn a lesson. It’ll probably hurt a bit but she can use it for good and grow. Right?

She’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and / her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men

Great! Tossed that asshat to the curb! And learned your lesson! Fantastic!

And that’s what you get for falling in love... / It’s the way he makes you feel ... that he kisses you ... that he makes you fall in love.

Wait. Now we’re victim shaming? She tossed his ass right out of her life - awesome! But then they guy keeps coming around and reminding her of only the good things. That’s not acceptable. That’s what a damn sociopath does. Run girl! You’re stronger than this! The second verse says so!

I could keep going but I think I’ve made my point. It’s easy to listen to a song without really thinking about it...but that’s an extremely bad idea.

Okay. I know what you’re thinking. I get it. Maybe I just have horrible taste in women. Maybe I’m the weak one. Maybe I’ve never been strong and I’ve always sought out women just a little more broken than me. 

What do you mean “maybe”?