I Hope You Take A Piece Of Me With You

You won’t. Will you? No. It’s okay. Really - no need to go easy. My ego will be just fine, thank you. It survived loving you and that was honestly the most harrowing experience I could ever imagine. Someday you’ll have to tell me the secret to detachment; you made it look so easy.

Actually - never mind. I think I may have figured it out a while ago. Yeah. You were never as aloof as you attempted to be. NOW who’s being obtuse, sweetheart? Your “secret” has never been one. Anyone who’s experienced a broken heart could read the story on your face and tell your hand. Still want to bluff? Fine. I’ll call:

Never love, but always promise.

Always kiss, but never close your eyes (mine were open too).

Never be the first to hang up, but always the first to suggest it.

But most of all never call it what it is: sabotage.

Oh! How skillfully you sowed your seeds of doubt! It’s almost as if you’d done it before. Which, of course, I’m certain you have. And before you try, don’t bother denying it; denial always looked abhorrent on you. Maybe try some honesty on for a change? It’ll be tight, a bit ill-fitting at first, but I’m sure you’ll find an adjustment to make it work for you. I hope you don’t though. You could use a few moments in the real world where the cold reality is that your actions have consequences. Small and fleeting or massive and utterly devastating, consequences find you and make you pay harsh sums. A pound of flesh? You had better hope you get off that easy.

So many friends, so few group outings.

So many men, so few connections.

So many nights without me.

Perhaps you’re being truthful. Maybe it was all innocent. But even your innocence hid ulterior motives. You didn’t cheat. Not exactly. All words, thoughts - nothing physical. That’s not your style. It’s…too…straightforward. Too childish. Too…pedestrian. “Below you”, if I remember your words correctly.

Ha! Below you. That’s rich. Too good to cheat? Do you want a medal? Cheating was just too easy. Too obvious. You wouldn’t have found it a challenge. But:

to play a long game of ever more complex mindfucks? NOW you’re talking! The idea was born in a corner of your mind I’m relieved to say I never fully discovered. Still the idea grew to encompass a space bigger than your skull. Even now I can picture you reading this (thirty five miles and twenty three years away, no less) and can see the glint return to your eye.  It starts as a flash from the tiny speck of yellow in the otherwise clear powder blue of your left eye, still now, I’m sure, as it did then. Then…

For a split second I think it’s love.

But then the moment is gone and I’m left with sweaty palms and the heavy heart of a cold premonition, something on the horizon. It burned like the sun but was as cold and stealthy as the night. It was all shades of shadow.

Shadow on my face.

On my chest.

On my heart.

The sun returned (a gift from you perhaps?). It stabbed at my shaded corners as you turned once again toward it.

A new day for you.

A new reality for me.

We knew nothing but were thirsty for everything. Well, that was true for me at least.

In the end the night and the day treated us much the same. We both ended up lost, parched, and weary for respite from the lesson. I may have been there before you, but that hardly matters.

I must ask before I go: did you learn anything? I don’t need to know what it was, just…did you?

You know what? Never mind. It’s not important. I’ve gone on to live, love, create, discover - all the things you attempted to take from me and all the things I didn’t even realize you grabbed while you were in my head.

No more. Go. Walk away and leave all the pieces of me right here at my tired feet. I know I bid you welcome again into my mind after so many years gone and I’m to blame for this current bout of angst, but go.

Walk away. God knows you’re good at it.